There is growing evidence supporting that having pets in the home from a young age can have profound effects on our long-term health. Dozens of recent studies have linked the microbes associated with doggie and kitty cat friendly households to the health of a building’s occupants, including a significantly decreased risk of asthma, allergies, and an overall less resilient microbiome. With such knowledge, parents now face a predicament that is sure to tug on the heartstrings. Parents shouldn’t have to sacrifice the long-term health of their child just because they don’t have the time or money to care for a furry, four-legged, divine carrier of microbes. Now, they don’t have to!

Introducing Bactopets©, a collection of stuffed animals that have the same microbiome as the real animal! Forgo all of the cleaning, pooper-scoopering, and shredded furniture with the same benefits as having a real cat or dog. Bactopets© are inoculated with a Slo-Release Microbial Technology™ to insure maximal effectiveness. We made Bactopets© to be extremely soft and adorable so they are guaranteed to improve your child’s microbiome because your child will be unable to resist the urge to rub it in on their face, snuggle with it (good for maximal microbial respiratory entry), and possibly even suckle on it. Bactopets© are odorless so you can even sneak this as a gift to your child without your germophobic spouse finding out.

Collect them all!

BactoLab© reflects the microbiome of a Labrador retriever who has been swimming in a stagnant pond, rolled on an unidentifiable carcass, chewed on numerous neighborhood sticks, and sniffed dozens of doggie butts. BactoLab© is now available in brown, black, and golden colors.

BactoTabby© reflects the microbiome of a tabby cat who has hunted several mice and birds, dug in a dirty litter box, and explored the most cobwebbed corners of the neighborhood.

BactoPetPlus© is a deluxe version of the aforementioned products with the addition of real pet dander for even greater long-term health benefits.

BactoSpray© is an inoculated dog or cat microbe solution that you can simply spray on your child’s favorite stuffed animal and around your home. BactoSpray© is also available in a more discrete packaging under the guise of “probiotic” to blend in well with your germophobic spouse’s collect of kombucha and yogurt.



Author: Jonathan Eisen

I am an evolutionary biologist and a Professor at U. C. Davis. (see my lab site here). My research focuses on the origin of novelty (how new processes and functions originate). To study this I focus on sequencing and analyzing genomes of organisms, especially microbes and using phylogenomic analysis

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