Tag Archives: Sports

FITBIOTICS

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As the World has successfully found the Fittest Man and Woman on Earth for many consecutive years through the notorious CrossFit Games, a secret fit-weapon has been revealed. Supplements companies have collected the fittest microbes on Earth to help the athletes through their journey of fitness. A secret supplements company, until now known only by high levels athletes, sells the fittest microbiome on Earth: FITBIOTICS Inc.

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After years of work and countless microbial sampling, the company has finally achieve to gather ALL microbes from ALL the fittest athletes in ALL domains aiming to transfer the “Crème de la crème” of ALL microbiomes from these super athletes to anyone. Forget the barbells, kettle bells, dumbbells and all other training gear. The hours of endless running, burpees, air squats, pull-ups, and jump rope have ended. To achieve the level of fitness reached by the reigning Champs, you only need to include the α-FITBIOME in your daily shake and you will have the FITTEST MICROBIOME ON EARTH! To achieve maximal results, FITBIOTICS Inc. recommends that you also take a one-hour daily bath with one scoop of their α-FITBIOME. When tested on completely inactive people with poor eating habits, this treatment has been shown to help improve strength and endurance by 300%*. And to all readers greatly informed about the risks of DNA in food, don’t worry; this product definitively contains no DNA (http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/volokh-conspiracy/wp/2015/01/17/over-80-percent-of-americans-support-mandatory-labels-on-foods-containing-dna/).

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You are dreaming of lifting 200 pounds, running a marathon, completing an ironman or deadlifting 2.5 times your bodyweight? Don’t wait any longer and run to your closest store to get your

α-FITBIOME from FITBIOTICS Inc.

 *Only when combined with a radical change in nutrition and daily physical conditioning activities.

Secret microbiome forensic study reveals #deflategate culprit

Chicago. January 31, 2015.

I had the incredible luck to be on an assignment in the midwest this week visiting the lab of Jock Giblet, one of the world’s experts in the new and merging superfield of microbiome forensics.  Giblet  has been at the forefront of forward thinking on using foreheads and foreskins and other microbiome rich samples to do forensics.  His lab has already been involved in hundreds of criminal investigations where microbial forensics was used to do important things like (1) show that microbes were on people involved in crimes (2) that analysis of microbes can be used to reveal who was last in a room (making a few assumptions like, you know who was in the room and what their microbes look like and who was not in the room) and (3) the microbes could be considered as possible instigators of various crimes.

Anyway – I was there to interview Giblet about his latest amazing work on the how microbiome analysis can be used to cheat at card games.  But he was distracted by something.  He called me into his spacious yet somehow very dark and depressing office and said “Can I let you in on a secret?”  Of course I said yes.  Alas, for him, he never said “Can this be off the record?” so I am reporting to you what I then found out, along with some secret recordings I made with my awesome Google Glass recording device.

Over the next 24 hours I witness Giblet and members of his microbiome lab then do a top secret microbiome driven analysis of the deflategate controversy.   It was so exciting to be witness to this edge cutting research.  Below is a description of what I witnessed.

1. Giblet and team travel to the airport to collect footballs from the NFL

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The footballs lined up waiting to be picked up

2. Giblet brings footballs back to the lab and also collect wan assortment of other materials for control experiments

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Aerial of the Top Secret Lab where Dr. Giblet works

3. They then set up a microbiome analysis in their top secret lab with some key samples for testing and as part of the experiment

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Another kind of football
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A key control – a Patriots softball
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Yet another kind of football
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A regulation football
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A football collected at halftime from the Patriots game
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New, sterile examples of the suspected tampering tools

4. It was here that I was able to finally activate the video recording on my Google Glass.  It only worked sporadically but I did get some video of the Giblet lab in action carrying out a microbiome forensic study.  Basically, they used these really complicated secret sampling devices that came hidden in a tube:

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Top secret microbiome sampling device

And they used this to collect microbiomes from multiple sources including hands,  the suspected deflation devices (before and after handling), and the balls before and after handling.  Here is what I could get:

After doing some test samples the then got the footballs from the NFL that they had picked up at the airport and sampled them too.  They also spent a lot of time on the phone discussing some sort of sampling of the hands of all employees of the Patriots and the other team.  And while we were sampling the footballs someone showed up in the lab with a bag of more of these special sampling devices labelled with names of various people.

They then took all the special sampling devices and “got the fu#*(#@ DNA out of them, for sure”.  It was exciting to watch.

5. Sequencing

The DNA from the sampling devices was then dripped into a small device that plugged into a laptop computer via a USB port.  It looked a bit like a thumb drive.   Dr. Giblet spent a lot of time looking at the screen, typing some stuff, and crying and cursing.  He then said “Screw these minions.  I am going back to the Illuminati” and he carried a box of samples out the door, cursing, in a strange accent.  I am not sure how he was connected to the Illuminati but nevertheless, he returned eight hours later (I was getting really impatient, and hungry, sitting there waiting for him, still wearing my Google Glasses).  And he looked happier.  And he said “Booyah – we have data”.

He then explained to me how he had taken the DNA out of the microbes in the samples and did some special chemistry and got out a file with information that would help determine what microbes were in each sample.

6. Analysis

Dr. Giblet and two other people who seemed to be employees of his, then sat in front of an old IBM computer doing something.  I am not sure but I think their names were Jane Jane and Sir Robert.  Very interesting people I note.   Anyway, the cursed a lot, typed a lot, kept talking about some sort of chime they kept hearing.  These were smart people I think.  But really secretive and talking in code all the time.  In fact, they kept asking Sir Robert to do more code, though I note, I had no idea what he was saying anyway.

Nevertheless, after 10 more hours they finally woke me up (I had fallen asleep on the lab floor) and said “We have the answer.”  And then they had me sit in front of a computer to look at some pictures.  By this point my Google Glasses were really acting up.  The best pics I  could get are shown below.

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Apparently these graphs showed that the culprit behind the NFL DeflateGate controversy was none other than Jock Giblet himself.  That is, the samples from the Patriots’ footballs most resembled samples from Giblet’s hands.  He swore to his friends and colleagues that it was not him and that he would never do something like that.  But as they called 911 they said “Sorry Jock. We will miss you.”

Then they shuffled me out the door too.  They never noticed the Google Glass, but I have been cut off from my sources so not sure what happened to Jock after he was taken away.